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a lingering hate-filled turd

Great condition DVD, I’m selling it because I can’t suffer having a 2-disc monument to human folly sitting inside my house; and like a seedy night with a sad-eyed prostitute, knowing that I paid for this dreadful experience haunts me; like an empty hollow thud that’s constantly hammering away at the core of my being, reminding me of the dreadful deeds I’ve done.

The plastic in this DVD is made out of the solidified emotion of a million childhood dreams being crushed under the heel of a goose-stepping marketing man. Watching this film marked the watershed moment in my life when I discovered that human dignity really does have a price tag. All those years of expectation just exploding in a shower of plastic toys and tie-in merchandise, and the worst thing was knowing that having paid money to watch this, I was complicit in the crime.
I couldn’t have been more disappointed if, as a child, I came down one Christmas morning to find Santa Claus with opium-glazed eyes and a stolen VCR tucked under his arm, suffering from the rattling shakes of heroin withdrawal as a long glob of vomit-tainted slobber drips from his bearded mouth while he squats down on my living room floor to leave a lingering hate-filled turd as a reminder of his presence.
I wouldn’t advise anyone buys this movie, but if you can purchase it and perform an exorcism on the thing, be my guest.
Sold!People are still willing to pay money for this turd

This movie was a disappointment. I was recovering from a severe self-inflicted eye injury after being told that malt vinegar made a refreshing alternative to prescription eyedrops, I thought I had purchased Charlie’s Anals from my favoured discreet online dvd seller. I was eighty-three minutes into the movie before I noticed I’d bought the wrong product.  

The amazing wooden man

Keanu Reeves plays a man who, after a failed suicide attempt, is cursed with the emotional range of a doorknob. What follows is the most sensitive portrayal of disfigurement since David Lynch’s The Elephant Man, as we follow Keanu Reeves’ attempts to pursue a Hollywood acting career despite the crippling inability to express any human character trait whatsoever.

it always reminded me of pubes

This is a fly-on-the-wall documentary about an aspiring young professional who is removed from his natural habitat of London and placed in some generic ITV murdervillage in the countryside.

He finds himself unable to adapt to living side-by-side with people who work for a living and have funny accents. Tensions continue to rise as the young professional faces a world without franchise coffee shops, hybrid cars, and constant dinner party discussions about house prices and school catchment areas. This scene repeats itself for about two hours until suddenly the world explodes in a ballet of carnage as the main character guns down the heads of the police, business, and religious institutions of the town.
It’s a powerful indictment of the all-encroaching threat of rampant consumerism and the devastating effects that big city lifestyles, champagne socialism, and hierarchical centralised-power institutions have on rural communities the world over.
This was back when I had more money than sense

Academy Award™ nominee Steven Seagal gives a moving portrayal as a man who punches people in the face when they do things he doesn’t agree with. He teams up with seasoned wordsmith DMX, and together they listen to rap music and punch people in the face.


Kevin Bacon is an invisible, dangerous man, a fact that is reflected in this movie.

Most of these DVDs weren't mine, ok?

After successfully rehabilitating Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange, Rex Harrison sets his sights on mockney strumpet Audrey Hepburn and bets that he can get her to talk like what a proper person does. This ends in failure as Audrey Hepburn does indeed become a lady, and misses out the opportunity to star in Eastenders, or any number of Guy Ritchie films.

More of this shit. I believed everyone when they said it'd get better.

As I tried to tell my parole officer, “We all make mistakes now and then”. It’s an important part of life to recognise the fallibility inherent in mankind, and to make allowances for that. You know when you see some 80 year old former Nazi on TV being arrested in Brazil for war crimes? I know some people believe that they should be strung up immediately and not given a fair trial, but I’m not like that, I’m always willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because I’m a nice guy.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to compare the Star Wars prequels to the holocaust, one was a lot bigger crime than the other. All I’m saying is that at least the Nazis learnt their lesson.  I haven’t heard about one single 80 year old former Nazi who went on to a career in genocide and invading Poland. They all learnt from their mistakes and decided to lay low for the rest of their lives and take up a career in sipping Pina Coladas by a poolside somewhere in South America. George Lucas did not learn his lesson, and he only succeeded in making me lose a little bit more faith in humanity.

We’re all the sum of our parts, and so by chiselling away at the good faith that’s sent his way, George Lucas is helping make the world a place that’s full of arseholes.