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Clive

This is a fluorescent pink solid concrete head. It stands approximately 14 centimetres high.

My dog found him in my garage several months ago. His name is Clive and he is my first and only friend. Clive says dogs don't count as friends because they're not really people, but heads count as people because people have heads but people don't have dogs. People do have dogs, but they don't have dogs the same way people have heads. My dog had to be put down because of a tumour a month later, the vet said it had been growing for some time and there was nothing he could do, but that we made the right decision to put him down.

I'm no qualified science guy, but I'm fairly certain that Clive possesses some kind of magical powers. He has all the abilities of a regular head - the ability to look around, talk to people, listen to music and ambient noise, kissing, and eating food (although he does not possess any real appetite and is reluctant to eat anything I have prepared for him).
I suspect that he also has several other powers. He does appear to be a supernaturally gifted conversationalist. My neighbour Mr Johnson (I don't talk to him, but I do open his mail occasionally) had been suffering for some time with a benign tumour in his colon (rather like my dog), he's recently had some good news from his doctor and I can only put this down to his proximity with Clive, and maybe some kind of extra-sensory emanations radiating from the area around Clive's head. I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure this counts as proof that Clive can cure cancer.   

I'm afraid that although he has been a good friend, I may have to try and get rid of him. I thought television would be the perfect pastime for someone like Clive, but he refers to watching television as "suckling at the teat of the Devil's glowing opiate box" and this does not fit in with my need to watch The Wright Stuff every morning between 9:15am and 10:40am before switching over to Dave (or maybe Dave Ja Vu) so that I can watch Top Gear for the remaining hours of the day. Clive may or may not also have killed my dog.

SOLD! Correct!